by Courtney Bailey
we raise kids to shut up and suck it up
we raise abusers and oppressors and dumbasses with the inability to think
critically and man-children and
people that don’t
know what a two-way street is
we raise kids that turn into adults with some of the worst behavioral issues that
some of us see and
most of us
don’t see
because we never see when they tear themselves apart from the inside until it’s
too late.
of course these kids are ecstatic
about not being allowed to have any problems ever
because it inconveniences you and
everyone else they know and all
their friends and family they’re supposed to be able to
rely on
feel safe around
trust.
we love having friends and family that sigh the second we’re honest and try to
find help in any way shape
or form
and sometimes it’s in the only way
we’ve been taught how
in one way
and it’s not the
right way.
we love a narcissist who treats us like shit and pays us no respect then
gets upset when they themselves aren’t shown
respect
but you never taught us what respect is, just tolerance and annoyance and fits of
fury and rage when you
don’t get your way
we love when we have to be okay.
we love to give one-hundred-and-ten percent just to get
45% back
we love being volunteer therapists at the age of five and nine thirteen sixteen
eighteen and taking in
all your troubles
your woes
your sins
and we just have to sit with them
because no one can know your truth
the broken china that sits behind your
pristine mask
but when we try to even say anything or offer a solution or try to tell you
something’s wrong (with us) (with you)
it’s okay when you go off and make it something it’s not and put words in our
mouths.
we love knowing that if we’re honest, we
upset you and
everyone else
because no one was taught anyone how to just listen to people
and not get defensive about things that aren’t about them
or how to regulate
or how to call the fucking therapist and set up an appointment
we love having to handle twice the problems
we just get so much energy and joy from having to hide from adults who never
got past the brain age of
sixteen and
throw tantrums like toddlers
we love when people think we don’t have problems
so when we do finally speak up
we get told to stand down
because someone out there is suffering more than you
“my problems are worse than yours” sometimes,
you
are the one suffering more.
and we don’t seem nearly as affected and distraught about our problems
so really they aren’t that bad,
or even real
we love becoming adults who don’t know how to talk about
our problems
adults who purposely minimize them,
keeping them mundane
so we don’t scare anyone away
and blow up when the bottle becomes
too full
no of course we don’t fucking love any of it
we hate it, we’re furious, we’re traumatized and rotten to the core, filled
with a rage that is simmering over
with no paper towels and rags to soak it up
because no one would listen to us and
we couldn’t even listen to us
because we had to listen to YOU and
EVERYONE
ELSE
that wasn’t
us.
because that’s what you raised us to do
because we raised kids to shut up and handle the problems of our parents which
translates to the problems
of our friends and teachers and siblings and family and coworkers and
classmates and everyone
who isn’t
us.
maybe if we can’t help ourselves
maybe helping someone else will make us feel Something
make us ignore the red hot searing pain
in our hearts
in our lungs, our closing throats
in our minds
we tell children to just
shut up
in some way shape or form
in all kinds of ways and tones and languages
with a kind word or a cold fist or a slamming door or yelling just yelling and
dramatic sighs and
we’re just so tired of having to carry your weight which is equivalent to the weight of the world
because our guardians often are our worlds
please
’
please.
just get some help
so we don’t have to, for once.
do not make the sins of the father
the sins of the child.
just let kids be kids.