memoir by
REESE COLE
Throughout my life, I have learned that animals help me. When I’m having a bad day, they cheer me up. When I’m having anxiety about something, they always calm me down and I know everything will be okay. I think it’s the environment that soothes me. The animal life is so simple and serene. Seeing how content they are makes me happy. I especially love seeing the calves play together and watching how the moms take care of them. When I was young, my anxiety consumed me. Storms, being alone, and being in the dark triggered it mostly. I was constantly worried something bad would happen and being away from my family made me feel like I was in danger. I remember the panic attacks I would have: high heart rate, heavy breathing, numbness and tingling all over my body. I would end up sobbing and convince myself I was dying and would demand that my mom laid in my room with me while I slept. It took forever for someone to calm me down.
It’s about three o’clock in the afternoon and I have all my things done for the day. I decide when my dad gets home from work I’m going to go help him with evening chores at the farm. We have cows and a few farm cats with kittens. A new addition to the farm has been a duck, but he doesn’t like us very much. We see him occasionally, but he always hides from us.
My dad and I get in the truck and head over to the pasture where we keep most of our cows. He does his usual check in, asking how my day was and what all I did. I do the same and he tells me all about his work day. He likes to perfect the voices of his coworkers and makes everything more dramatic than it is. He always makes me laugh, he’s one of the best storytellers. I’m glad my dad and I have the farm to bond over. He knows it heals me and it does the same for him too after a hard day. It’s important for me to find things that my parents and I can bond over and do together. It brings us closer and I know it is valuable to them too.
As I grew older, the kind of anxiety I had changed. I was more worried about how I’m going to take care of my responsibilities, if my friends and family actually like me, and if I’m performing well enough in sports. I didn’t have many panic attacks, but the anxiety would heighten my heart rate and give me headaches. These kinds of things would absorb my mind to the point it was all I thought about.
We’re driving down the road and when we arrive, I already know my task is opening the gate. My dad hands me the keys, and after I open the gate he drives through. I close the gate and get back in the truck. Then, we drive down the hill to find the cows and go over the bridge, listening to the water flowing through the pathways under the bridge. We pass by some trees and see all the cows grazing in the open pasture. My dad drives us in the grass and parks it in the middle of the large group of cows and calves. He turns off the truck and we sit there in silence, watching the cows eat. All we hear are the cows taking bites of grass, the birds chirping, and the bugs buzzing around us. A few of the calves started chasing after one another and some of the cows lay down to rest for a little bit. I smile and it’s at this moment where I think about how great life is. I am so privileged to be able to have this as my happy place. The sun is shining bright and the slight breeze is cooling the warm summer air. These are the moments I like to take advantage of—where everything is quiet except the sound of the cows, and there is nothing to be worried about.
As I step out of the truck, I feel the grass scratching lightly at my ankles and take in the fresh air. My dad and I walk around to count the cows, making sure all of them are there.
Well, he’s walking around to count the cows; I’m trying to pet the calves. I bend down to get to their level. I’ve learned they aren’t as scared that way. I hold out my hand and talk to them, asking them how they are and telling them how cute they all are in that high-pitched voice we all use when talking to babies and animals. I’m aware they don’t understand and can’t respond, but I love talking to them. Some of them get curious and come sniff my hand, but that’s about as far as it gets. Sadly, there is no petting. After we’re done checking the cows, we get back in the truck to leave and go to grandma’s house. Quite a few calves are at grandma’s house because they are at the age to be separated from their moms. Lucky for me though, they start to become more curious so it’s easier for me to talk them into coming my way.
As we get on the gravel road to grandmas, my dad tries to dodge as many potholes as possible. This usually ends up in him swerving all over the road just to make sure he doesn’t hit any. It can turn into a really fun game (not really). Finally, we enter the driveway and park by the barn. I start to think about my essay that’s due, and that I don’t have plans this weekend. What am I going to do? Should I ask my friends to hangout and would they even want to hangout with me? There’s also a presentation next week—no, stop.
I get out of the truck and spot the kittens right away laying outside the barn door. I walk over to them and a couple of them run away. Of the remaining three, I start petting one that is all gray with a white stripe in the center of its face. Its fur is so soft, I could pet them all day. The kittens are a little bigger than the size of my hand, so they’re easy to pick up and hold. I choose to carry a black kitten with orange spots around its head because it’s the calmest and fluffiest out of all of them. I cradle the kitten in my hands and bring it to my chest. I start to talk to her and rock her as if she was a baby. A warm sensation fills me when I feel the vibrations against my body from the kitten starting to purr. I continue to pet her and hold her close to me and I feel so much joy.
When it’s time for me to help with chores, I set her down on a square hay bale and she lays down. I leave the barn and go into the shed to get the buckets of feed for the calves. While my dad is on the tractor putting hay in their feeder, I open the gate to their pen and the calves flood around me, waiting for their grain. I push through them and put the grain in their bunk. I then take the buckets back into the shed to refill them and watch as the calves finish their food. I do my usual chat with them and stick my hand through the gate so they can come up for a pet.
I start to get the hose to fill their water tanks and see my grandma walking toward me with a cream soda in one hand and a cosmic brownie in the other. My grandma is the typical grandma that spoils her grandchildren every chance she gets. It’s gotten to the point where I relate cream soda to my grandma’s house every time I drink it, even when I’m not there. It’s been something she always has had at her house ever since I was a kid. She recently learned that cosmic brownies are one of my favorite treats, so she bought them for me to have when I come over. She has a big smile on her face and hands me the soda and brownie. I tell her thank you and open the brownie right away.
We do our usual catch up on how school and work is going as we wait for the tanks to fill with water. I don’t think my grandma knows how much she means to me. She is always there for me and I can talk to her about anything. She is so understanding and gives some of the best advice. I’ve learned that she and I are a lot alike in the sense that she loves animals as much as I do. She talks to them like I talk to them, except maybe a little more. She is such a kind and sweet soul to everyone and every animal. The tanks are all filled with water and my dad is done feeding hay, so we sit and talk to grandma for a little longer.
When it’s time to leave, I give grandma a hug and say goodbye. She smells like vanilla—she always smells that way.
My dad and I get in the truck and leave. He chooses to take the back roads home. I like taking the back roads, it’s much calmer and it’s fun to observe the nature around me. We roll the windows down and drive slowly down the gravel road. Thankfully, there are no potholes on the gravel roads when we take the back way, so it’s a smooth ride. I feel the wind against my face as we drive, making my hair go all over the place, but I don’t mind. The sun is starting to lower and the sky is turning a light orange and yellow. I look around and admire my surroundings: cows grazing the pastures, deer in the middle of the fields, and leaves rustling.
I continue to sit there and look out the window, starting to think about everything. I take a deep breath and there is this feeling of all of my stress leaving my body and I feel lighter, more at ease. I’m excited to see the cows and kittens again. I am okay, everything will be okay. My worries are gone and I think about how happy I am. Life is a beautiful thing, and I am thankful for the life I’m able to have.